Self-Abandonment: I Adapted Until I Slowly Stopped Being Me | Valerie Ritchie

0:00I would say, getting divorced because it was on a particular day and I was getting ready to go out to a networking event and my husband just called me, bearing in mind, first thing, getting ready to go. And he basically asked me for a divorce. Out of the blue. Out of the blue. And the funny thing about it is my first reaction was relief. It literally was relief when he asked. I just sighed. And then after that, I actually felt guilty because I was relieved, you know, because I get thinking, oh, why did I feel so relieved?

0:47Hi, I'm Debbie Thompson. And this is The Stone in My Shoe, the podcast where we explore how midlife can become the most true purposeful and fulfilling chapter when we listen to what's really there. And today I have the pleasure of talking to Valerie Ritchie. She's a midlife empowerment coach and speaker and she's known as the crone goddess, supporting professional women through midlife. With over 30 years in education, she now guides women back to their identity, purpose and inner power. Her turning point came through early menopause and loss, moments that forced her to look inwards. Today, her work is rooted in helping women return to themselves. Welcome, Valerie.

1:34Thank you. That was a lovely introduction. You did all of that. And it's actually Valerie's joining us from the UK and I'm in the middle of South Australia in a caravan travelling around Australia. So it's wonderful how we can connect woman to woman, crone to crone. For those who don't know what that means, it's the older wise woman and just having this beautiful conversation. So thank you. My pleasure. I do love a good conversation. I do love a good conversation. So, Valerie, before we begin, I just want to ground this for the woman listening. As she hears your story today, what do you hope she begins to see or understand about herself?

2:20I would say that she knows that she's not the only one and that we all share similar stories and that she is who she is and that she needs to appreciate who she is, accept it, celebrate it and live her life. That's what I'm about to say. So when she leaves, it's like just live in your true life as you, not anything else, not being labelled by anybody else but just actually being her true self. And that's beautiful and what we all want to strive to. And I guess some people listening might not know exactly who they are. They've worn that many hats coming up to this age where they've worn so many hats, they lost themselves a little bit along the way. So be amazing

3:09to explore that with you as well. So just so that we know a little bit more about you, who are you in this season of your life, Valerie? Do you know how we brought up the crown goddess? That crown goddess is that wise, powerful woman who celebrates who she is, looks at her strengths and understands her strengths, looks at her life and says with the ups and downs that I've gone on, it's brought me to this stage in my life and I'm owning it and I'm not taking any BS from anybody. I'm just appreciating me and I'm taking each step every single day to live my life fully and enjoy it, celebrate it. All those knocks that we've been through and everything, we've

3:56all been through knocks and I do believe that we're getting lessons from those knocks and we need to just appreciate them lessons. It's a roller coaster because this is the time of chaos so it's a roller coaster, it's a time where we're reflecting on who we are but most importantly who we want to be and I think that that's the important thing is in this stage in life, we choose, everybody has choice but sometimes we think we haven't got choice but this stage in our life we really can choose and that's that to me is who I'm choosing to be. This is the next stage in my life, I look at it as an initiation, it's the new beginnings,

4:45a new time to actually focus exactly on me and what I want to do. And if you don't mind me asking, you don't have to answer this question, how old are you Valerie? I'm 59. No! For the person who's listening, oh my goodness, she looks amazing, amazing. Wow, what your secret source, happiness choosing, being my own authentic person, you look beautiful. This is a very grounded, strong place that you come from. Honestly it wasn't always like this. No. So can we go back, first of all, what stone in your shoe would you like to talk about and how would you name it if you could name it simply? I would name it as becoming me because this is

5:37about identity and who I am because we all know we have so many different hats. From the day we were born we were labelled, for me I was a daughter, a sister and then the friend, you go through those many stages of life and the roles are already been set and somewhere along the way you've lost the me label, who am I? And I think it's important that we recognise that, yes we do get lost along the way, but we can actually find ourselves and I know people going find yourself. But it's true because if you're under these labels and you've got all these stories, these narratives around your life, what's true? What is really true? Becoming me is

6:27that. Becoming you, I love that. And was there, was it a slow burn? Was it an uncomfortable feeling in your shoe or was it a stone that cut your foot? When did you go, oh my god I've got a stone in my shoe and I need to address this? Yeah just talk us through how it happened. I would say getting divorced because it was on a particular day and I was getting ready to go out to a networking event and my husband just called me, fearing in mind first thing, getting ready to go and he basically asked me for a divorce. Out of the blue, out of the blue and the funny thing about it is my first reaction was relief. It literally was relief when he asked, I just sighed

7:21and then after that I actually felt guilty because I was relieved because I kept thinking, why did I feel so relieved? And then obviously fear came into that because then all of a sudden my life is going to change. It's going to change dramatically and it was a complete acceptance of yeah okay we're getting divorced. It was a complete acceptance and I said to myself why did I accept that there and then? I wasn't arguing for anything. It was like yeah okay. So how old were you when this happened? So it wasn't that long though it I was 55.

8:0755. Yeah so the shocker in terms of restarting my life however I knew before then that something wasn't right. There was that feeling yeah. So you had looking back on that now going back to when you first got married, were there any signs that there was that you were uncomfortable, there was a stone issue or did you ignore it? Like I think I ignored it. Okay I definitely ignored it because I got married later in life so I've always been single, very independent, got up, did my own thing, didn't rely on anybody, didn't really share my life with anybody so it was a big deal getting married in the first place in my 40s and before that working and everything

9:00I was one of the things I did as a job. I was an aerobic instructor and I'd been that for 20 years that was a part of me, that was my identity, everybody knew who I was and everything even though I was still teaching at the same time the theory of sports and I actually gave it up the week before I got married and at the time when I gave it up it felt right but a few years in I was thinking oh I gave it up, why did I give it up? What was the reason? Why did you give it up at the time? Do you remember what the reason that kind of felt right to you? What felt right was I was getting married, I was still doing my teaching job, the theory, there was a lot going on

9:51and I wanted to concentrate on my relationship but and it was like there was just little aspects where I was getting a little bit more tired or my energy wasn't there but I think because I was adapting my life to having somebody else in it and I was doing the coupley things and and then it just got me out of my natural pattern of doing me and I was adapting to a marriage, a relationship because probably because I'm thinking this is what you do, you're now in a couple, you're a couple as opposed to you're an individual, however during that time I know I was fighting it, I was fighting it.

10:37So at the time when you gave it up it was kind of for the greater good of this union and this time together and creating more time and adapting and compromising a relationship, giving time, giving and taking and so giving up the aerobics was not giving up on you but almost moment where you as a person valuing yourself and what really mattered to you was overshadowed by getting into the relationship and how you showed up the hat that you had to wear now as wife. Would that be a fair summation? Yeah, yeah. So it seemed like a fair exchange at the time. It did definitely because one of the things that I value is loyalty and friendship

11:25and and trust and these are important things to me and I also think yeah I'm getting married, I love this person but I need to show that and also at the same time probably there was a hormonal thing going on so my energy levels weren't that great and everything and things were changing, the style of aerobics were changing so sometimes I think oh maybe it was part of that at the same time but I let go of a part of me that I didn't realise I was letting go of I just thought I was moving into just a new direction and to me it was okay at the time and yeah I love this man so I wanted to start the marriage off and it was going to be starting to marriage off differently. A new chapter that's what it was yeah. So looking back now

12:16in what other ways were you adjusting yourself to maintain this relationship? So for starters I moved away from my home area so I moved into his own area so I had to adjust in terms of my friends were in Manchester when I was living in Warrington it's not that far but it meant travelling it meant extra effort if I was going to go and visit and I was trying to create a home, build community and so forth and the crazy thing about it is since we were divorced and I was living in the same area it was after divorce that I realised I didn't actually

13:01have any friends in the area. I knew people but they were not my friends my friends were always in Manchester and I'd been living in the area for quite a few years so you would have thought I would have created friends but in that space of three years following divorce I realised I haven't actually got any friends somebody I could just pop around to and have a coffee. So were there more kind of couple friends rather than very dear intimate friends that you could be totally honest with? Yeah all more couple friends yeah my intimate friends were in Manchester yeah. So at the time when you got divorced and or and you were relieved

13:52the first thing which is really that's an indication isn't it? Yeah. If you look back because that was the trigger when if you go back to your teens your early childhood whenever when do you think that stone started of losing your identity and who you are rather than all the hats that you wore because society or family etc gave to you? Yeah I would say this would have come from my very first day at secondary school because as a child I was very curious I loved learning that was my dream just gathering information learning information and I passed my 11 plus exam which meant you went

14:43to the grammar school as opposed to the secondary mod. So for those of you who don't understand that it's basically kids who are quite academic and so they get put into the kind of academic high schools stream so it's streaming so you have to pass these exams you have to they're not that many places so it's not that easy yeah yeah perfect no no and but at the time I didn't realise how that was just as you described it to me I was just passing an exam because I love learning so on my very first day on my very first class it was French and I wanted to learn French because my older sister went to another school she learned French told me a few words and I turned around to the girl next to me and whispered I know the French

15:30word for cat and the teacher just looked at me and said you girl get up get out and come back in when you can behave yourself wow and yeah and I was like totally shocked it was like it was a whisper but I was right at the front of the class and I had to get you would have been about 13 here wouldn't you 11 11 sorry of course 11 plus you're 11 yes yes yeah so I had to get up stand up in front of a group of 30 girls I only knew two in that class and I walked out and then obviously I stood outside the tears were there and then after a while

16:16the calmness started to come a little bit of anger but calmness and I thought hang on a minute I didn't do anything wrong I really didn't do anything wrong so I stood outside cross my arms skinny little thing with their arms crossed they've been defiant and I stayed out there because she said come back in when you can behave yourself and I thought no not going back not going back in and she had to send somebody in for me and from that day my learning plateaued instead of going up it plateaued and then I became what do you think you what do you think you suppressed that you that your curiosity gets you into trouble what do you think it was that

17:04on that day was suppressed it was like if you had something to say or showing your intelligence or showing your because I like to see myself as a share of knowledge I like to share my knowledge I like to express words and things like that and it was almost like you have nothing to say the words that come out of your mouth and not valued therefore I class this as a time of silence to me I was silenced so therefore I stepped back from expressing myself and I think probably as well that happens to many of us is it's not

17:54safe and it's dangerous to have these opinions so there's this kind of safe because that was embarrassing what she did was absolutely the shame and the embarrassment yeah of course you're going to protect yourself so that wound then that hat stayed with you I need to it's not safe and I I don't have anything valuable to say so that did that go through with you into your adult life 100% I wouldn't put myself out there I wouldn't express how I was feeling and to me that was one of the reasons why I was never in relationships because why would I push my feelings out there to be hurt to be shot down there was there was absolutely no way I was

18:44going to do that and I can see that pattern in there always been the single one not having relationships because it's like I'm not worthy they're not going to appreciate what I've got to say and if I express how I feel it's going to be cut dead or ignored dismissed and it's one of those key phrases that being dismissed what I absolutely despise it's one of the things that gets to me if I say something and somebody just brushes it off it's like a trigger it's like don't you're ignoring me or I'm not valuable you don't value my opinions I'm not worthy to say anything more so therefore it is a safety to protection and I protected myself for the longest

19:32time for the majority of my adulthood I protected myself so when I met my husband it took a little bit of fight for me to actually get into this relationship and accept that this person lost me and it took me a long time for that to really connect and when you you married him and you were like okay I'm worthy okay what I've got to say is value I'm it's safe to be me it's safe to ask for what I want did that help a little bit with the word or were you always skirting on the edge of I can ask for some things but I can't ask for everything because it's not safe or I might not be heard or I might be cut down but how did that work in the relationship

20:19and yourself as well oh I think I was still skirting on it it was it was definitely still there because it was almost like if I fully expressed what I wanted it was almost like I was waiting for a knockback and I can see it now that I wasn't given completely everything because I was just waiting for something waiting for that little knockback and I don't like conflict so if I'm not liking I know a lot of us don't like conflict but I would step back I'm the person that would go silent I would just naturally go silent and just shot down and I know I did that in the marriage I know I did that and that's what's

21:10so interesting with these words that we carry because at one point they were there to keep you safe at some point they were you the fear of being rejected of being looked down on of being ridiculed in front of people of course we're going to do that but the the issue is that this is taken with us into our adult lives without us even seeing because it's so subconscious and then it has an effect on our lives but we can't see it because it's subconscious and so looking back so when you got divorced did you then take time to unravel the onion to see what was under all of this but how did that all work what did you do it was like obviously it

21:57was a shock to the system because I had to restart my life his life continued because he was in the house and he got everything so I had to take myself out of the house and restart again and then I kept thinking what am I gonna do because I'd already been made redundant from a 30 year career so this literally was restarting everything from scratch finding somewhere to live finding something to occupy myself I've always been working so it's like what do I do and it took its toll but I am naturally a strong person because I've depended on myself and when I use those skills to keep going I am naturally a positive person naturally

22:47however this is a time when I had to really reflect and say yeah human too you have feelings life is a literally roller coaster your emotions go up and down and you've got to go with them so if I wanted a day to wallow I said wallow if I want to cry just do it don't hold back so this was a time of releasing all that and trying to get emotions out rather than keep holding them back in and the change that kept happening was like you know what I'm liking me I feel like I'm getting back to myself I feel like these little things are coming in

23:32and there have been so many changes that have happened since I discovered I do love my words I love writing I love talking I love sharing stories and it was like yeah I do like words I like I love doing that and now it's almost like it can't stop me talking it was almost like all those things that I had from childhood was coming back out again and they were the precious things that were me the things that I loved doing and I had been suppressing them because if you work in I had an academic background in when education and teaching that was my role

24:18so all my writings were academic writings but prior to that I was a storyteller I love sharing stories I like you know expressing myself with words so that was all coming back which led to me writing some two chapters and two books that were released and it was like yeah and then that acknowledgement of do you know what I can do only what I can do and I'm going to do it for myself I'm going to decide what is it that I want to do I've always wanted to work with people in particularly women and I like I said I've got stories to share we all have these roller coasters

25:04of things that we've gone through in life and let's share them so all the women can recognize themselves in those stories and see that we're not alone you know we're not alone there was things that had come up and it's like oh I'm going to do that I'm going to do this and I started to get my adventurous self back again I no longer had a car so I was back on my bike and I used to ride a bike when I was younger I'm quite dangerous on a bike to be honest with you well I was back on my bike so my fitness levels were going back up I was out running again I was back in the gym I was doing all those things that I'd slowly had let go off and then

25:51now I'm bringing them back I'm choosing to bring them back so Valerie was it because you now had space to do this what was the obviously the divorce and the fear because as you said you started again the relief and then and the fear would have been very scary but did you get therapy did you do breath work did you just do meditation what did you or was it just an organic thing that every day you woke up and you chose and you did what you liked and you got more feedback gosh I like this gosh I like myself tell me more about that so it's funny it is I would say it was more organic and it was waking up and then

26:37on waking being grateful so I was showing my gratitude I would I'd say things like thank you to my bed for a beautiful monthly sleep get up in the morning look out say thank you it's a beautiful day even if it's not a beautiful day I'm here I've got another day and this is what I'm going to do and I would go for walks we had a park hide a park just down where I lived at the time and it was just going out in nature and breathing and one of the important things is breath work I think to because to be able to just breathe with clarity and calm yourself down and take the opportunity to get out in nature and

27:24have some wonderment in your life again see things you start to open your eyes a little bit more you start to see things that that is going on and you've got the space because your brain is so cluttered with everything that's going on and we can all stay in a negative state because sometimes that is easier to stay in but when we have to view our lives with a bit more clarity and give yourself space and get out there and just it's just basically live taking each step a day at a time you don't have to think I've got to do this and it's immediately it has to happen it's just take each step slowly so in some ways what you said there is I've got to

28:13do this it's almost like you took off all your I've got to do hats and when not what society everybody expects of me I'm going to do me and let me see what emerges and it was a beautiful process of finding out who you were and you realize that you were somebody who actually loved words you were safe with words you were very good at words and they were rather than the other ways or what other things did you discover about yourself that you had buried or forgotten about or didn't want to see I always say I'm reserved but I'm reserved in an observer I see life I look at things and one of the things that I rediscovered is I attract people to me so even

29:06though I'm reserved I actually attract people to me I give out an energy that people feel safe with me so that word of safety where I've not felt safe with others or safe putting myself out there I actually create spaces where other people feel safe so when I have conversations people say it's like talking to a friend I'm able to help people open up about their lives without having to ask so many deep questions because they feel safe with me they trust who I am they know that I'm going to see them because I think that's an important thing because I've not felt seen but I do make other people feel seen and I know I'm able to express that so

30:01I know I can change lives and isn't that interesting how sometimes a wound like that can become your wisdom and that it's almost something that you had to go through because it's where you go from the wound to the wisdom and it's so often we look back on our lives and go ah that had to happen because if there's a time you go oh my god why did 25 or 30 or 40 years have to go by sometimes we have to learn the lesson a number of times we don't see it's right away absolutely and and I guess that's why this podcast is here is that for somebody who might be getting the early stages of a little niggle in their shoe it's don't wait 20 years feel it now find space for yourself listen to yourself and be honest with yourself so

30:47that's that's beautiful so for the woman who's listening and she feels something off something is off what words of wisdom would you give her so that she doesn't have to drift into this identity crisis that you went through yeah well those things I do with women is I actually get them to stand in front of a mirror and look into their own eyes and really look into their own eyes because sometimes what we do when we're looking in a mirror we look around we look at the facial features we're looking at our bodies we're going to that critical mind of oh me this should be that but one of the things that we don't do is actually look at ourselves really truly look at ourselves and if we look into our own eyes look deep and just focus into our own eyes

31:38we actually start to see ourselves and one of the things I get women to do is look into your eyes and ask yourself who are you and talk to the person in front of you use your own name express exactly what you're seeing and ultimately do you like the person in front of you do you love the person in front of you and those can be really emotive triggering questions because it makes you really think about it because it's what do you love about yourself what do you like about yourself and I think it's important so if you're just standing in front of the mirror and this is not a quick two minute session this is actually standing in front of the mirror and looking to

32:26your own eyes and taking your time to see yourself they always say the eyes of the soul and I guess and I guess as well the first time you do that and looking in who are your your conscious mind the ego will be going oh fine what's wrong and it's it's getting through all of that not the initial and then I don't want to do this this feels uncomfortable and working through all of that because it's not going to be a quick fix it's going to be there are many layers to to unravel and so often it's hidden the subconscious hides that it doesn't want you it wanted you to be safe right and so for you to be vulnerable was just too dangerous and in your case and that's the same with most of us is putting ourselves out there and it's peeling it back and knowing we're safe

33:14and I guess being compassionate with the little girl and the 11 in that French class and loving them and holding them and creating space for being vulnerable being seen for everything absolutely there's a little thing that I always do I have a picture of myself as a child and I always say get a little picture of yourself as that child and have that nearby and look at that child and say you know what yeah that was me because this was a picture I would never have loved to show anybody at all I didn't like pictures of myself so to me there was something in my life even further that stopped me liking pictures of myself so I didn't and a few

34:01years back I just did this little test and it's like okay let's put a picture of yourself that you can find with yourself smiling and you can look at it and then you can question why were you smiling on that particular day what was good about that particular day and you remember the good things obviously that was a school day to take a picture but you can find a picture of yourself smiling and figure out what made you smiling on that day for that picture what's that happy moment and one thing you said to me at the beginning was really living having joy going out living your life accepting celebrating and living and I love that because accepting is all of ourselves the shadow the light everything and celebrating it and then going out and

34:50living living your purpose your joy whatever it is your authentic authentic self because you're right the fact that we're alive was so grateful just having breath in our bodies is amazing and and living that life is what we owe to ourselves and yeah so we have a closing tradition and that is if today was your last day on earth what would you do and why if today was my last day do you know I think I would find a spot near water dangle my feet lie down and look at the sky

35:38and just breathe that's what I would do I'm just and I'm and I'd probably say I'm ready because I've truly lived my life and yeah beautiful that's beautiful Valerie thank you so much for your time today for your authenticity for your honesty for your beautiful story and for showing us the stone and the and everything below the stone as well because there's and that's one of the stones that we talked about and we've all got so many stones but yeah thank you so much for your time today really appreciate it thank you thank you so much and as you finish listening today just notice what stayed with you perhaps something

36:24that felt familiar or maybe even quietly uncomfortable and that's usually where something true is sitting thank you