The Pressure to Do Everything as a Woman

0:00at the time when my daughter went to nursery they graduated from nursery and I had forgotten to put it into my calendar I was on a meeting they tried to call me and I didn't I failed to turn up and there's nothing worse than when you turn up at a nursery and dad didn't have this and being told your daughter was waiting so patiently for you to turn up and I thought you've already killed me like I already knew this when you called me and left me a voicemail twice I couldn't get to you any faster than I had got to you and those things stay with you because I always had the mindset that when I went into business I would do it and I would not miss key moments of my

0:45children's life because everything I do is generally for them. Hi this is Debbie Thompson and this is a stone in my shoe the podcast where we explore the moments in life where something no longer feels quite right and what happens when we choose to listen. Today I'm joined Badisha Solanki she's a growth strategist who spent years helping businesses scale and evolve and she's also the co-founder of the trailblaze hers supporting women to grow in both life and business alongside all of that she's a mother and like many women has had to navigate what it means to hold ambition and family at the same time. Tisha welcome. Thank you for having me Debbie. Oh it's

1:36lovely to have you so before we get into the stone and the wisdom for the woman who's listening to this and feels a quite pull but doesn't know what it is and doesn't even know how to say it aloud what do you hope she sees about herself and learns from you today? That you can have a family and still want to have ambition that's what I want everyone to know. Beautiful. So we'll go into that unless you want to add anything more about that otherwise we will go back to that right at the end and you know bring the shoe and all the wisdom into that as well. Sure the only other thing I would add to that is there's never such a thing as a perfect time is what I found. I love that

2:26one. Yes very very true so who are you in the season of your life like where do you find yourself just a little bit more for the you know for the woman listening so I can see where you are. I am the mum of two teenagers right now and I would say having two teenagers and being what I would maybe class as post-menopausal now is challenging at best especially when they are both having external exams and this may feel like the longest summer and season of my life that's where I am at the moment. In business I am what you would what my right hand lady Joe would

3:11probably call a chief chaos creator. I create things all the time and then wonder why I'm overwhelmed because I never got any of them over the line and then go back to getting them over the line. So do you have someone supporting the chief chaos officer because obviously you're the ideas person and that's right having somebody else you know making them happen. So yes I do and I'm very lucky to have a team and a co-founder in Brittany Anderson so we both are co-founders of the Trailblazers and Align PS which is a People First system and so we are very lucky that we have a great team to support us and get things over the line. Obviously we also harness AI and keep each other accountable which always helps.

4:02And I think that's a really important thing you know in business is having those people to support us in different areas because we've all got different skills and we've all got different things we're really really good at and when we spend our time in the space of being really good at it that's when we flourish and I'm you know talking for myself is you know when I'm doing stuff that I really love and creative and I'm the same I'm a bit of a you know chaos creator as well. It's where the magic is isn't it and it's okay not to be good at everything. Oh absolutely and I think as you get older the more you begin to learn about yourself and your strengths and I always try and make sure that I'm working with people who are probably

4:50just not like me it's best that everybody isn't like me because there'd just be chaos everywhere there has to be someone who's structured and organized there has to be somebody else who actually pulls everyone back into the now we have to pull Deesha back into where we need her to be so we can all finish what we're what she set out to do which so everyone's working to something and they all feel aligned with what they're doing as well right. Yeah I think that's very important. So going to let's talk about the stone how would you define that stone? I would say that first time when I became a mum and I don't know if this is the

5:36same for many other mums it really does feel like someone came and turned your whole life totally upside down and it's like a word it's almost like a whirlwind is the only way I can describe it and I was working in corporate when I had my eldest and I was on the road a lot I was a project manager and my husband was had just bought a business and what I didn't want to do was give up a part of my ambition or any of my ambition in order to have to now stay at home and be a full-time mum because that just wasn't in my that wasn't aligned with me as a human

6:21and I know for many women it is and I am actually grateful for all those people all those moms who it is for because without them I couldn't go off and do what I can do right I always stress that and what I wanted to know and it was a question I asked myself and thought I'm going to just go full in is can I have an ambition and still have a family I didn't know the answer to that that's truth of it what I did know is I had to work within the set of realities I had and how do I go about doing that and there's a lot of judgment when you go into business especially when you're young and a young mom well not young mom but mom of young children I started my first business

7:13when my son was five six months old I bought a franchise and it was a steep learning curve is what I would say and at the beginning I think in start-up world as well there's lots of support in one way but there's not if you're a mom with very young children that landscape has changed a lot I would say in the last 19 years now but 19 years ago it was frowned upon and you know even my I lost a lot of people and friends in that moment too or I felt like I needed a distance myself from those people and mainly other women if I was honest about that lots of people told

8:03me I was totally crazy for going to business why would I do it now why wouldn't I just stick with a job all of these things but it was an ambition I had inside of me and it's one that I really did need to go and explore so this ambition of yours because you were working in corporate and project management but that wasn't the ambition the ambition was to start something of your own and text me back to the other thing you said earlier there's never was it what did you say there's never a right time or there's never perfect conditions yes never the perfect time okay so yeah you were like well this has come up never perfect times I'm going to have a I'm going to make it happen there was a lot of judgment was there a lot of judgment from family or

8:49friends or a bit of both I'd say a bit of both okay and and so that must have been quite difficult because not only were you you know when I go back thinking back to when I had young children you're struggling so many balls there's so much guilt isn't there about am I being a good enough mum a good enough wife a good enough work a good enough this how did you navigate all of that I didn't if I was honest with you Debbie I would say that I carried that guilt and then continued to carry it until very recently is what I would say because you want to be able to earn everybody's trust and look after everyone and you almost wear this superwoman

9:38outfit which really doesn't exist but nobody tells you that at the time and no one tells you that through your journey until you learn it yourself and then you go hang on a minute that that's not a reality that's not a real thing and actually it took my mum to say something to me so we were just talking and my mum has been a nurse in the NHS for 40 odd years until she retired and she said to me she said I think that the pressure that you younger generation have compared to what I have is just so much more she said if I went to work I wasn't actually expected to do all of these other things she said and when I look at her life she's right so she's

10:24she'd sell my dad would go to the supermarket prepare food he'd pick us up from school they had like a good arrangement going there right and her mum would support her it's not like that now she said I look at you now and I think you literally have to carry the can and the responsibility for everything in everyone and make sure everyone's okay while you're there and that's when I realized and when she said I think things have gone backwards I don't know how much more we have evolved as a society and she's a woman in her 70s who said that to me so when when was this because you started your your son is 18 did you say or 70 he's 18 and you started the business when he was six months so this was 17 and a half years ago

11:12how long ago did your mum say this and when sorry they're kind of two or three questions in here and yeah all the more together so first of all how long ago did she say that and it kind of you know really you really felt that and then when you said there's no such thing as a superwoman outfit can you just tell me a bit more about how you discovered that and and kind of how did it impact your life um my mum told me that very recently in the last few years and I was like you could have told me that like you know 18 years ago mom but it's something that I guess she hadn't thought about until she started because I've got a sister and she started seeing like both of us like grow up as adults and have our own families and I guess that she said that's oh it's only

12:00then when I started reflecting going and saying like what did my what are my girls going through what are they doing right now um the second part of your question Debbie was the superman out superwoman outfit right so I do think that there's a lot of pressure in society for you to be able to do everything and I also think a lot of that is self-generated because other women have the expectation that you will do it and in turn you take on that expectation I do believe that when did I realise that that wasn't a thing not that long ago I'm a slow learner by the looks of things um and I don't know if it's slow learner or we get into the mode of just modality of just doing because inherently I'm a very much

12:49of a doing person I'm not I ask for help somebody else will do this I just get on with it and you get to a point where actually you can't get on with it because there are so many balls in the air that how much can you actually do in one human how much can you do without slowing down momentum and a few years back I thought to myself I don't want to slow down momentum actually my children will grow up they will leave home what what will I have left and I don't mean that in a bad way but because I didn't want to be left with no purpose in life and nothing to be doing now I understand knowing that my son will go to university now in not so long in the end of the

13:35summer that that feeling of you know that empty nest feeling it's it's beginning to feel real and I'm glad that I created that momentum now because it means I have something to go to rather than feel like I have to start again and this is the question Debbie yeah and this is the the juggling part isn't it it's um and one one thing you said that that I found quite interesting is that other woman expected of you you do it because you're so busy you're so busy anyway and you're just keep going and did I hear that correctly when you said other women kind of expect you to do it can you just tell me a little bit more about that so it's a lots of things that are normally I would say traditionally a female role right

14:26or a mothering role and I realize now as I've got older that they were not really cheerleaders or my type of tribe and I should probably have just gone you're not in the same bandwidth as me and that's okay and walk to where not taking it on but I do think that as women we take it on so you know there's cooking there's cleaning it's being a default parent who does a school call every single time it's always mom first and it's never just once it's always let's try mom two or three times before we even may consider calling dad it's all those little nuances that stack up and it's those things when you think then that you're failing when you're not when

15:11you can't pick up the phone or you were late to something or in my case at the time when my daughter went to nursery they graduated from nursery and I had forgotten to put it into my calendar I was on a meeting they tried to call me and I didn't I failed to turn up and there's nothing worse than when you turn up at a nursery and dad didn't have this and being told your daughter was waiting so patiently for you to turn up and I thought you've already killed me like I already knew this when you called me and left me a voicemail twice I couldn't get to you any faster than I had got to you and those things stay with you because I always had the mindset that when I went into business I would do it and I would not

16:02miss key moments of my children's life because everything I do is generally for them and they work hard in order to you know for me to show up that's the truth of it they're just young people right and those small things they take their it's toll on you and I wonder how many times my husband didn't hear what I heard as a mum and he went off he ran his business worked all the hours God gave him while I was here like holding everything together and trying to harness my own ambition and I don't begrudge him that what I'm trying to say is that society or nobody is there really to make him feel guilty for that apart from himself yeah and that that guilt and is a very very hard one

16:54because as you said right you know right at the beginning it was there and then in these key moments it's like you know why have I done that how did you navigate that that guilt and were there any other emotions as well as guilt that have kind of followed you through this process of trying to do trying to do everything so you have guilt then there's all there's always the mental load of is everyone fed watered cared for clothed and the list then becomes endless right but it is a house look is it tidy is it clean like is it a space that I want to be in and then really small things to be like did we remember to buy the kids new clothes and enter the old drawers out because they all take time these things right and one thing I hadn't planned in my life is

17:46those parts of life which then become overwhelming because they stack up right you think you've got everything going and then you walk in the garage and think wow this garage is going to fall on top of me it's stuck to the rafters right and I so there was guilt there was wondering if everybody was okay was I good enough was I doing a good enough job and that one is really difficult for someone like me because when I put something into when I do start something I always think I've done 120 percent I don't go in half-heartedly and begin something so if I'm in I'm all in and I want to make sure that I've done my very best job 100 percent of the time and that's not possible

18:35because we're human so how did you navigate that you obviously had these really high standards of wanting to do 120 percent all these balls not you know superwoman does not exist you've got the guilt you've got the overwhelm you've got all of this how did that take its toll on you physically and mentally and how did you manage to keep it so that literally there wasn't a massive spillover and all the balls fell on the ground oh no that will have come there was a few points to be where all the balls fall on the ground and then I want to burn the handstand and quit everything can then quit life but I've been through many of those cycles now to know that it's a temporary one I just have to get my shit together again and I will find the

19:21solutions because one thing I'm really good at is finding solutions and I would probably say most of us women are really good at finding those solutions and I also know that you have to pick your battles which three or one or two of these whatever's in your bandwidth right now can you give you know your high standards to any hundred percent and the rest has to stay until or be left behind for a little while until you catch up to that moment where you can address it is what I would say and and sometimes they're the same two priorities or three priorities for a long time and it's all right and many times I found that it's being honest with yourself or being honest with myself as to what my capacity allows right now and that's usually the most

20:10difficult part I am the kind of person who has a running list of 100 things on my to-do list and I really really do genuinely believe right down to the soles of my feet that I'll complete them all in the next 24 to 40 hours I have that relationship with time as well don't you worry I hear you loud and clear loud and clear um so that is quite a realization to somebody who's got very very high standards who wants to get all these done but over the years has learned that I need to I've only got capacity for so much I need to do the things that are most important right now and other things if they don't get done it's okay was that a difficult lesson to learn

20:58or was it a slow burn or was it a slap in the face because it's you know it's clearly a very important one for you to be able to live a life without a complete breakdown that's right and I have had burnout more than once quite a few times um because it's a slow lesson to learn and anyone who's had burnout knows I mean that is bad it's really it's like your brain just has a total breakdown and I had got to one point where I couldn't even decide what I wanted to eat I'd have to say to my husband you're gonna have to pick what we eat for wherever we went because I can't even make that next decision and it was it's a painful one it's a painful lesson to learn

21:45is what I would say um you got I went through burnout once I thought oh I could get through I I can get through this and I came back raring um second time was not so good and that was the probably the most painful lesson when you don't know how you're going to get out of bed and it's not because you're depressed you just there's a decision making fatigue sets in and you don't you just don't know where to begin in life not just in business or generally like you know I don't even know what to do today and it feels very lost it's a very lost moment to be in and I know now that I wouldn't want to be back in that lost moment so looking back at those

22:30two periods of burnout could you see the signs that you were going to burn out that you could see now and you would then back off and take time so at the time I didn't see it but now I've got good at spotting the signs in myself um because I think when you're in the moment and you're in the moment of doing 24 7 you don't really stop to reflect and think and just look at yourself from the outside in and go you know what some things not right but now I know I get I get the picture now I'm not feeling good I feel run down or I just feel generally very tired having not done much and then I go you know what now's the time to just slow things down just for a little while

23:19until you fully book it back up again and when you come back when I come back I'll be raring to go and was that a hard one because for somebody like this very ambitious obviously you know 110 percent very capable you know lots of ideas was that a hard lesson to learn to listen to your to your body and listen to how you're feeling and then slow down oh yeah you go through so many cycles anger you're angry with yourself why can't I do it you ask all of these questions why did this happen to me um you know could I have taken better care of myself all of these things the reality is it's just none of those things it was just thinking that you can do

24:05much more than you actually can in any given day and I'm also a real time optimist so like you know I am I there's like a running joke I could be late to absolutely everything with the total intention of being on time because I'll start a task definitely not finished it but I'm going to finish it before I move on right and it's those little things that also contribute to the burnout and where you get to because you've held yourself to those standards consistently over consistent periods of time and tasks and life has a way of teaching you those lessons you have to learn and if you don't learn it the first time it will keep showing

24:51up and showing up until you actually learn it yeah so if you had to summarise you know the wisdom that you've learned over the last 18 years having done well and previously working but I was just thinking from when you started your business what would you perhaps perhaps say two or three of them I don't know a sentence or how would you sum that all up I would say there's no perfect time for you to realise your ambitions just understand that you have a set of realities that you have to work within and just start because we're waiting for the perfect time I I believe it doesn't happen because you move your you'll move your milestone or your goalpost and there

25:37there'll be a next perfect time and then you'll look back and say what if I had done that what you don't know now because you didn't do it so just begin and it is what it is and know that within you you'll work it out somehow that's beautiful and that's you know it reminds me of the proverb you know just take one step and you can't wait for the perfect time because we all think that we know how the whole journey is going to unfold and we we don't so now is there an element of also self-compassion you know just being kind to yourself that you're not the superwoman like how was there anything that you learned about yourself in terms of you know this because I think women particularly we could be so hard on ourselves and we're not

26:25very compassionate we are with our friends but not ourselves and that's something that is very difficult is what I would say and it's a long road to self-compassion and just being kind to yourself and I think that I started being kinder to myself is what I would say because it's also a journey you don't overnight go you know what I'm going to just treat myself like I treat my best mate doesn't work like that right you might do that for like I don't know three minutes while you're brushing your teeth or something but you probably not for much longer and sometimes it's the little things that being kind to yourself like the dinner wasn't perfect today it's okay it's a third week in a row that we've eaten a takeout pizza in my house apparently everybody

27:14likes a dominoes and they deliver it in like 12 minutes or some things I'm like it happened it's okay I would just say and I said this to myself many times it's okay let it go the world's not going to fall apart and I think drastic is going to happen with this one event that happened in the course of a week a day a month or a year whatever it might be and start slowly yeah and you will realize that that kindness comes and you will also make your own life easier in your head is what I would say yeah I think that's exactly and I think people think there's a silver bullet that you can just suddenly do these things but it is consistently one percent isn't it it's just

28:00the small incremental getting better at whatever it is so is there anything that wisdom you'd like to impart about you know the the guilt working being a working mum and having a business and being a mum is it any anything any wisdom on that you would like to share at the time you can't see it and this is what I truly believe um but as your children get older they are grateful for the role model and the example that you set and it's only now that I'm beginning to really feel that from my own children they're grateful for um me having ambition me looking out looking out for what I want in life that's not just totally centered around them um

28:51and it's lovely to have Mother's Day cards which have you know a lovely one sentence sometimes or two it means the world and everyone you should know that if you have your own ambition and I think it's also important uh you know just Bronnie Ware who wrote the book you know the the top regards to the dying you know one of the well the top one is that I wish I'd lived a life that was true to me and what I you know what I would I'm changing her words highly but you know true to me and not what everybody expected of me and you know if that's the top we're going to the time that's what we should all be doing and yet and yet we don't for whatever whatever

29:38reasons pressure um guilt whatever whatever it is it's different for every person so it takes a very brave person uh to forge their own way and to and to do this because at the end of the day you won't be the one of your death but going god damn it I wish I'd you know I wish I'd done that but nothing is free and there's always a price to pay isn't there and it's okay it's okay nothing is perfect life that's just life and you know what I'm lucky I come from a long line of strong women and my grandma once said to me she was talking about dying and I said to oh stop to my death like this is like driving me insane like and she said to me the other thing

30:26is she goes I'm telling you because if I went today for example she said I have no regrets she goes I lived my life and I'm I'm leaving this world happy she said and I want you to know that and um that meant the world to me actually she said I've travelled I have a beautiful family I've got to meet my great grandson she said what more could I possibly have asked for she said um and then and she said that to me but and I've not read that book which I will read but she said remember at the end of your life um you shouldn't have regrets and you should just go happy and be authentically you and whatever that is and everybody's different and know you to know what's authentically your part so we have a um kind of tradition if today was your last day on

31:17earth what would you do and why oh I would open a bottle of champagne because I really like champagne and I would have all of my family and friends together and have as many laughs and share as many stories as possible why because I'd want everyone to have the happy memories um of that last day beautiful it's interesting most people it's all about their family and their friends and those connections and you know that's that's what it boils down to you know often is just love and connection um yeah beautiful so um thank you so much for your time today really appreciate it Disha

32:09and all your uh you know the insights that you shared with us and how honest you were about you know trying to juggle both sides and um that it's it's brilliant but it's also not pretty and it's wonderful and difficult and uh you know and uplifting and full of guilt and you know there's so many things so thank you for for being so honest I really appreciate that and it's been a pleasure speaking with you Debbie thank you so for the person listening as you finish listening today just notice what stayed with you maybe it was just a question maybe it was something Disha said you know can I have both and maybe whatever comes up for you just don't

32:55ignore that thank you right now I've got to stop recording hang on stop recording yes